Monday, December 15, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Desperation is a curious drug
Desperation and jealousy. Similar? Maybe if you think about it. Are you jealous you thought I was with her last night or desperate to keep me hanging on for you? Yet I'm the hypocrite?
You're mad I lied to you about what I really thought of her? I did that to spare you from your unnecessary jealousy. Maybe put you at ease a little(since you couldn't picture me with anyone else). Just another lie(or brief feeling you had "at the time"). Sorry. I was wrong.
You are going to question being able to trust me though? The girl who changes her feelings for two guys every day is going to question my honesty? The girl that lies to both just so she can experience a twisted version of being wanted is going to question my trust? Everyone needs to feel wanted and wants to feel needed. Join the fucking club.
Lastly, you think you can say whatever you want so you can "have the satisfaction of some leverage in feeling like shit while you were out partying all night." GROW THE FUCK UP. You expect me to feel bad for you? YOU DID THIS. You made your bed, now lie in it. But I will give you this bit of satisfaction- I went out because I could not get you off of my mind and I figured if I went out with my friends, I could regain my sanity at least for a little while.
That being said, I don't do pathetic. Moping around feeling bad about losing something that was never mine is pathetic. Yea, the situation sucks, but hey, YOUR LOSS. I'll be fine and you'll be fine until you realize that he hasn't changed and I was right about every little thing.
Tonight I gave away Kings of Leon tickets I got for us. I thought you would enjoy seeing them since you like them so much. Was going to surprise you that night. January 29th.
More importantly, had band practice tonight. Wrote a new song. Feels good to collaborate again.
You're mad I lied to you about what I really thought of her? I did that to spare you from your unnecessary jealousy. Maybe put you at ease a little(since you couldn't picture me with anyone else). Just another lie(or brief feeling you had "at the time"). Sorry. I was wrong.
You are going to question being able to trust me though? The girl who changes her feelings for two guys every day is going to question my honesty? The girl that lies to both just so she can experience a twisted version of being wanted is going to question my trust? Everyone needs to feel wanted and wants to feel needed. Join the fucking club.
Lastly, you think you can say whatever you want so you can "have the satisfaction of some leverage in feeling like shit while you were out partying all night." GROW THE FUCK UP. You expect me to feel bad for you? YOU DID THIS. You made your bed, now lie in it. But I will give you this bit of satisfaction- I went out because I could not get you off of my mind and I figured if I went out with my friends, I could regain my sanity at least for a little while.
That being said, I don't do pathetic. Moping around feeling bad about losing something that was never mine is pathetic. Yea, the situation sucks, but hey, YOUR LOSS. I'll be fine and you'll be fine until you realize that he hasn't changed and I was right about every little thing.
Tonight I gave away Kings of Leon tickets I got for us. I thought you would enjoy seeing them since you like them so much. Was going to surprise you that night. January 29th.
More importantly, had band practice tonight. Wrote a new song. Feels good to collaborate again.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Dear Little Girl,
I'm done. Done with the bullshit, done with the lies, done getting pulled in just to be pushed away, done with putting myself out there, done with being there hoping for something that will never be, done with seeing you as something that you are not, done being made to feel guilty for that which is your fault.
You put yourself in situations where you inevitably will get hurt just so you can feel something...ANYTHING, and I will no longer be a part of that. You come out of a relationship which you confess numerous times to be tired, bored, and miserable with. I offer you excitement, spontaneity, a home base, and a comfort the likes of which you have never known. You confess things to me that I refuse to believe are fabricated(even excluding what you say when you drink) yet you still believe your place is with someone who bores you and who "pisses you off when he just speaks." If that is where you think you belong and the best that you deserve, and the best that you can do, then so be it. I hope you are happy.
Maybe I am wrong and the things you say to me are complete bullshit. Maybe you didn't mean anything you have ever said to me and maybe you never meant any of the things you said about him. I will never know, and should you choose to clarify any of the things you said, I don't know that I would even believe you. You can not confess your love for someone and then a few days later say you have no feelings for them and not mean one of them. Little girl, one of them has to be true and I believe I know which one it is.
You are scared to be happy because you do not know what happiness is, let alone what to do with it if you found it. You would much assume to go on getting hurt(mostly by your own doing). The proof is right here. I am your happiness and you let that go, and for what? For someone who you repeatedly confessed to be certain it would not work out with. Oh yea, maybe that was bullshit too.
I can only deal with so much. You say "it's bullshit if you ignore me for the rest of my life." Well I do not know what will happen, but if this is the case and we never speak again, just know it is all YOUR doing. You hurt me once, I forgive, you hurt me again and I reluctantly gave you the benefit of the doubt. Now this third time is the final straw. The bullshit and lies are through.
Maybe you are really confused and don't know what you want. Am I not being fair? Maybe you could say that, but in my defense I repeat words from your mouth " I really feel I could be a part of your family," "I really do think about marrying you." I could go on, but those sound like words of someone who knows what she wants. You were sober when you said those things, so you can't play the "I was drunk" card. Unless again, that was bullshit? You did not mean any of the seemingly heartfelt things you have ever said? If not, why say them? Maybe I didn't know you like I thought I did.
These things are irrelevant, because you said goodbye. Should you realize the mistake you have made, to you I say too bad. I refuse to be dragged into a little girl's world where she thinks she can do, and say whatever she wants because she believes the world revolves around her. Your relationships are one way streets and eventually you will learn it is not like that. When you realize this and see what it is that you could have had, I will NOT be there. I wish you good luck though. Maybe third time's a charm.
And about this just being casual thing. I was totally fine with that. Really. I just didn't see you going back to someone who i repeat, DID NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. No, I don't know what went on between you two in the past, but judging by the complaints I heard from you, I thought you would be smart enough not to go back. Apparently I was dead wrong about you. You aren't different. You are like every other stupid girl that goes back to an ex after exhausting every effort and emotion. What is it that you expect to be different? Has he had a complete personality makeover? Do you want to be with him because its HIM you love, or is it the comfort of any relationship you want? In any case, you are full of shit. I can not even count how many times you said it was over.
If you found someone other than me that made you happier, then that's great and I would have no problem with that. Honestly. I just see you getting hurt again and you know it's inevitable. I'm saying this because I care about you and your well-being. I don't give a fuck about being with you anymore yet I still say these things. That is genuine.
In any case, I realize you were right about one thing. You really aren't good enough for me. I'm done. Goodbye.
Sincerely,
The best thing that could have ever happened to you
p.s. Don't you EVER forget- I am the only one who can see through YOU.
You put yourself in situations where you inevitably will get hurt just so you can feel something...ANYTHING, and I will no longer be a part of that. You come out of a relationship which you confess numerous times to be tired, bored, and miserable with. I offer you excitement, spontaneity, a home base, and a comfort the likes of which you have never known. You confess things to me that I refuse to believe are fabricated(even excluding what you say when you drink) yet you still believe your place is with someone who bores you and who "pisses you off when he just speaks." If that is where you think you belong and the best that you deserve, and the best that you can do, then so be it. I hope you are happy.
Maybe I am wrong and the things you say to me are complete bullshit. Maybe you didn't mean anything you have ever said to me and maybe you never meant any of the things you said about him. I will never know, and should you choose to clarify any of the things you said, I don't know that I would even believe you. You can not confess your love for someone and then a few days later say you have no feelings for them and not mean one of them. Little girl, one of them has to be true and I believe I know which one it is.
You are scared to be happy because you do not know what happiness is, let alone what to do with it if you found it. You would much assume to go on getting hurt(mostly by your own doing). The proof is right here. I am your happiness and you let that go, and for what? For someone who you repeatedly confessed to be certain it would not work out with. Oh yea, maybe that was bullshit too.
I can only deal with so much. You say "it's bullshit if you ignore me for the rest of my life." Well I do not know what will happen, but if this is the case and we never speak again, just know it is all YOUR doing. You hurt me once, I forgive, you hurt me again and I reluctantly gave you the benefit of the doubt. Now this third time is the final straw. The bullshit and lies are through.
Maybe you are really confused and don't know what you want. Am I not being fair? Maybe you could say that, but in my defense I repeat words from your mouth " I really feel I could be a part of your family," "I really do think about marrying you." I could go on, but those sound like words of someone who knows what she wants. You were sober when you said those things, so you can't play the "I was drunk" card. Unless again, that was bullshit? You did not mean any of the seemingly heartfelt things you have ever said? If not, why say them? Maybe I didn't know you like I thought I did.
These things are irrelevant, because you said goodbye. Should you realize the mistake you have made, to you I say too bad. I refuse to be dragged into a little girl's world where she thinks she can do, and say whatever she wants because she believes the world revolves around her. Your relationships are one way streets and eventually you will learn it is not like that. When you realize this and see what it is that you could have had, I will NOT be there. I wish you good luck though. Maybe third time's a charm.
And about this just being casual thing. I was totally fine with that. Really. I just didn't see you going back to someone who i repeat, DID NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. No, I don't know what went on between you two in the past, but judging by the complaints I heard from you, I thought you would be smart enough not to go back. Apparently I was dead wrong about you. You aren't different. You are like every other stupid girl that goes back to an ex after exhausting every effort and emotion. What is it that you expect to be different? Has he had a complete personality makeover? Do you want to be with him because its HIM you love, or is it the comfort of any relationship you want? In any case, you are full of shit. I can not even count how many times you said it was over.
If you found someone other than me that made you happier, then that's great and I would have no problem with that. Honestly. I just see you getting hurt again and you know it's inevitable. I'm saying this because I care about you and your well-being. I don't give a fuck about being with you anymore yet I still say these things. That is genuine.
In any case, I realize you were right about one thing. You really aren't good enough for me. I'm done. Goodbye.
Sincerely,
The best thing that could have ever happened to you
p.s. Don't you EVER forget- I am the only one who can see through YOU.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Treading water with weights around my neck.
Woke up ass early this morning on my day off. Spent about 5 hours in bed with Kristen watching How I Met Your Mother on DVD, then I went to the gym. I am sore, and now watching the heroes, prison break monday night festivities with the family. I need to get out of here.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
...and 8 months later
I keep forgetting I have this thing. Might as well write an update. Single again, still dont have a job that makes me happy or gives me any kind of fulfillment. Overall I am happy though. Im doing more with my music than I have in a very long time. Recording a lot on my own, and Im ive been playing with a new band called Narayan.
Our First record is being mastered by Emily Lazar (Garbage, The Prodigy, Depeche Mode, Third Eye Blind, Lou Reed). Pretty cool. Thats about all thats been going on. Maybe Ill remember to update this a little more frequently this time.
Our First record is being mastered by Emily Lazar (Garbage, The Prodigy, Depeche Mode, Third Eye Blind, Lou Reed). Pretty cool. Thats about all thats been going on. Maybe Ill remember to update this a little more frequently this time.
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